Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
