Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
