I showed him my bush... on skype.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
