Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
