so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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