no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
