just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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