I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
