I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
