I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
