my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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