I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
