you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
