I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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