I just pynch a tree in the face
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
