We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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