and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
