If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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