I was born with a shot glass in my hand
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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