I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
