I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
