I got her a Nickelback box set.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
