My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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