Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship