you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
