I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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