He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
