i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
