she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
