Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
