you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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