You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
