I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
