will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
