ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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