I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
