my mouth tastes like poor choices
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
