I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Enjoy the penises
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
