mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
