Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
