I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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