After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You ruined the universe
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
