am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
