I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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