She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
