You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
