Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
