Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
