There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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