booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
