I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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