sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
