my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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